Saying Goodbye...

A couple of months ago I lost someone very dear to me to ovarian cancer...

My grandma.

She meant so much to me.

She was everything a grandma should be:

Kind, sweet, fun, gracious, loving, and truly one of the most Christ like human beings I had ever met.

She was my best friend, when I spoke at her funeral I had mentioned a memory from elementary school. Someone asked me who my best friend was, I remember thinking I should probably respond by telling them someone near my age, because that made sense, but when I really thought about it I responded that it was my grandma. Nothing ever changed. She remained my best friend throughout my whole life. She was a shoulder to cry on, and the best at giving advice.

She was ALWAYS my number one fan. I felt like I had wings to fly when she was around me. She had the ability to bouy me up like no one else could. She was inspiring and made me want to be better every day. She was always there, always. At every dance performance, every soccer game, and every primary program. She was quick to help and never complained. She taught me the gospel. Some of my favorite memories of her are singing primary songs together, flipping through young womens articles on modesty, or kneeling by her bedside at night and praying. I miss her voice mails (usually about twice a week), stating how I was the most special grandaughter there ever was. And how I was a good girl and she was so proud, followed by a tear felt, I love you Amanda. Somehow she was always thinking of me, and always knew when I needed a call.

She was often described as an angel on earth.

And now that my angel has gone to heaven and I have felt a big part of me has gone missing.

It's taken me awhile to be able to even write this...

But I know I need to now, because one of the things that scares me the most is forgetting what kind of person she was. And I always want her example and goodness to reside with me, and never leave. I was thinking a lot about her today, and a few things led me to write. One of them was my cute friends Katrinas blog post. She talked about funerals and how we need a time to mourn. As humans we want to bury our emotions, to show strength, but really we need to show our emotions to experience life more richly. If we don't allow ourselves time to mourn, we are also denying ourselves the abilitly to experience true, deep, joy. Today I am allowing myself to mourn. I have held my tears back to many times, and today I am letting them flow freely. I miss you grandma, and I love you, and I will always remember your example. I'll strive to live a better life because of you. I'm so happy we have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. I know we will meet again, and I'm looking forward to that day when I can give you a big hug and a kiss, and you and grandpa will be free from any kind of cancer, and we'll all be healthy and happy.

xo